John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize