You can't special order awesome
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
