Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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