I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.