You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight