He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration