My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid