your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies