Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
These tits shall not be calmed