I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
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i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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