You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
