FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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