tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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