That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
