Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
