i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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