My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
