Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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