Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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