Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
tonight lets celebrate not being married
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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