He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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