overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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