I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
