Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
