My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
