Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
