i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
