You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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