why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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