Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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