He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Alive.
So much puke
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
