They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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