there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's rum buckets o'clock
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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