So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
