My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
