I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
