The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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