im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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