Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
