A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
