Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
