This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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