I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
