I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
