my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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