angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
