just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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