I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
