can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
