my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
