she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
