Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
