woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
