when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
