Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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