grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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