My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Operation Purity has been aborted
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
